T/W: a long, petty and depressing confession of someone who just failed a big scholarship.
** All thoughts and comments are my own, which is prone to subjectivity. Reader discretion is advised.
I recently found out that I was not chosen for a scholarship at school.
As I logged into the information portal, I already had an eery feeling that it will not be good. But seeing the result page not displaying my student number, reality felt even more unreal.
"It's not me ?"
I cried. (of course).
An hour. Two. Then three.
I slept on it for a couple of days. Hung out with friends. Celebrated Christmas.
It was good to take my mind off the news, but soon as I find myself walking back home from Mochigahama, or strolling along the quiet alley at midnight, tears started rolling down my face again.
How could I not?
It (the scholarship), was something I had given a lot of thought, passion, and dedication to.
My GPA is at the top of the grade; My application was clear, concise and comprehensive; My projects were helping hundreds of students be prepared and mentally well for studying in Japan; My career deeply connects with my studies and activities, and I have already started working even before graduation;
I gave a stellar presentation, and confidently answered all questions from the judges.
Sure enough, my friends believed I had both the qualifications and qualities to be the winner.
Still, I was not chosen.
"Am I not enough?"
The last time I felt this well-nigh inadequacy in myself, was when I got accepted to university. I got an 80% tuition reduction scholarship.
I would not say I am the smartest applicant, but I truly thought that I deserved the full 100% tuition-free scholarship. I kept my grades high in high school, did a lot of activities to improve my skills, explore myself, and maximize my potentials. Not to mention, I also resiliently overcame my high school mental trauma.
I had goals and ambitions. I did what I believed was true for me, and it reflected in my achievement and expression. Therefore, I believed I deserved the recognition and compliment (scholarship) for my work.
But apparently, the interviewers thought otherwise.
I thought I was there, turns out I was not.
And to my 17-year-old self, I had no one to put the blame on,
but myself.
"Why is it not me?"
"What is wrong with me?"
"Am I not enough?"
I carried that self-doubt with me throughout my university lifeーalways on the edge of wearing myself out, running around doing things to fill up my lackings. Even when my friends tell me "you're doing so many things, you live such a remarkable life", I still feel empty, as if it's all in my head.
I'm scared. When will I ever be enough? And if I ever become "enough", will people will shut me down again? Will I only be second, and never number one?
Throughout university, I have been fighting this battle with myself. Many times I feel like I was losing hope, purpose, and myself. And I couldn't share with anyone without being too emotional. I thought it was wrong to feel so.
But in my own imperfection, I find compassion. Not just me, but other youths go through similar feelings of not being enough. Self-doubt and deprecation affect all of us.
Perhaps I do not have the answer to this problem, but let me try a couple of things and document it, bit by bit; Let me share my story and inspire others to talk about theirs, and may we find a new direction for ourselves.
Today, I continue to do many different things in different fields ー not to fulfill someone's expectations or standards, but to find my medium of expression. I work in the tech industry designing meaningful user experiences, I run a mental health organization helping students go through their struggles, I make content on the internet and mentor youth to maximize time at university, all the things I wish I had done for myself but could not.
Flashing back to the final presentation day, I did remember a few occasions where I disagreed with the comments from the judges. The comments made me feel I didn't know what I am doing, or that I am not enough; That I am not contributing to society or solving problems to the extent they expect a 21-year-old should do. It feels I am supposed to already have a defined path and work towards it by now.
I disagree.
I believe that we do not need to have answers for everything, for if we focus on the end solution, we will miss out on the bigger picture - exploring what the problem is really about.
And that's who I am. I play with different problems we encounter every day. Small, mundane ones. Then I go into the world and get into trouble. I make mistakes, I learn from them. I tell my story, and inspire others to tell theirs. I do not solve the food loss, nor can I contribute to world peace. But I can influence individuals to be comfortable with their own skin, and pay it forward in their own way.
Different from my 17-year-old self, today, I understand it is okay if the judges and I are not on the same page. It is not because I am "not (worth) enough", but because our values are different.
ーーーーーーーーーー
"What is the difference between "worth" and "value"?"
Our "Worth" is what we accredit ourselves; our "Value" is how others evaluate us.
We can offer others our different worths, but sometimes those offerings may not be suitable for them.
And on that day, at that moment, I chose to present what I believe in and tell it to the world.
And I did it.
Outside the limelight and the fancy title, I am the winner to my friends, my family, and to myself (plus the hundreds of students I am helping, and continuing to help).
Maybe I am "not enough" to win that title, but I am so much more, outside.
ーーーーーーーーーー
"Why am I confessing all of this?"
It's not easy to speak our feelings.
But it's easier to write them on paper and be understood.
I'm always showing everyone the more cheery, positive, bright side of myself, clouding my fragile mind and showering down my internal cry.
But this (scholarship), will be the last pit-stop of my undergrad life, so I do not want to hide away my feelings, even if they are petty, pathetic, and trivial. I want to soak in those petty, pathetic, and trivial feelings as the last condolence to myself, before moving on to something better.
This time, I choose to believe the result was contrived, that more was needed than qualifications and qualities. Call it politics or suitableness, it is something out of my control.
What a petty excuse, right?
But for once, I choose to be selfish.
I choose to believe in my worth.
I know my self-worth, and it is much more than this.
A lot, lot more.
I guess the universe just has better plans for me.
Can't wait to share it with you.
